Currently, I am snuggled up in an oversized, grey, fluffy knit jumper, on my slightly disheveled looking sofa. My hair is in a greasy, messy bun on top of my head, but not in a cute, ‘oh, I just woke up like this, yet I still look fucking perfect’ kind of way, more like ‘I haven’t washed my hair in 4 days and I’ve lost my hair brush’ kind of way. I am surrounded by not one, but three bunches of flowers, which died approximately 4 days ago, the coffee table is heaving with books, unopened bills, cups of unfinished coffee and one single, overripe apple, stacked precariously on top.
I am hastily shovelling a bowl of microwaved white fish and white rice into my face, which, may I add, is the same revolting meal that I consumed for lunch yesterday. After that, I am going to eat half a pack of cookies and I promise you, that I will feel absolutely no remorse, because I probably wont eat any dinner later. My kitchen is bare and in such a state, that currently I couldn’t tell you the whereabouts of a single fork, so not consuming proper meals is quite simply, the only solution.
Today at work, also known as my dining room table, I have cried approximately three times. Once, because forty-seven emails came through, all at once, the next time because Sandra in accommodation bookings accidentally cancelled my hotel booking for twenty-five people (we’ll say that’s what happened for the purpose of anonymity) and a third time because my colleague of two years called me Rachel, AGAIN.
In the hopes that I can one day have a Lydia Elise Millen lifestyle and blog for a living, I have refreshed my YouTube channel somewhere in the region of one hundred and forty eight times to see if anyone is remotely interested in my new video (they’re not).
But before I ramble on any more, let me get to the point, which is this, I, Becki Fraser (FYI the Rose part is completely made up) do NOT have my shit together, not even a little bit and that is totally and completely FINE.
Myself, like so many others nowadays are obsessed with these lifestyles we see online, YouTube, Instagram, Twitter, Blogs and Facebook! We need to start accepting that these people simply aren’t that perfect, I know I’m not! Behind the pretty (staged) photos I take for Instagram and videos where I try to be as real as possible, is just a girl, STRUGGLING.
I constantly agonise over what everyone else is thinking about me, I worry that I’m overweight and that people will undervalue my worth because I haven’t lost anymore of the fat that so comfortably sits around my stomach. I hate seeing my oddly flattened face from the side and I really HATE my ears. I worry that I’m not good enough for my boyfriend, that his family think I’m odd, that my colleagues can’t possibly think I’m doing a good job, because they can’t even get my name right. I look at my house and compare it to Suzie’s from ‘Hello October’ or Alix’s from ‘I covet thee’ and I wonder, ‘how on earth, I can possibly keep up with their style?!’ The truth is, I cant and that’s ok.
The message I really want to send is that its ok, not to have your shit together, because, does anyone? Really?
Creating content is my passion, I love to write, I love to photograph beautiful things and more recently I have loved filming and editing videos for YouTube, to be honest, I’m not sure if I am writing this for you or for me, but I wanted to keep it real, my photos on Instagram and on my blog, only show the best bits, they don’t show the 85 other photos where I look like a pig in a dress, or the boring bits of my life where I accidentally spend three straight hours on twitter, they don’t show me doing the dishes, (I really must do the dishes) or paying bills and they absolutely don’t show me, just having a bad couple of days. We all have those days.
So, if today, like me, you’re having a horrible day, just know, that you’re not alone, take it one rude colleague and one dirty dish at a time, because ultimately, you are a god damn super hero, just for getting out of bed this morning.